Personal Reflections
Personal reflections
June 4th 2009Creativity, seen and the unseen continue to centre me. At present writing is a must for my work and future plans however I have found time to finish a painting or two. Mostly my creative energy has been employed in listening and caring and needs to continue in this way for a while.
I read this the other day and liked it, ‘it’s the very nature of God to reach out to the world in creativity and love. Theologians have a phrase for this; the missio Dei. The life of God constantly overflows exuberantly into the world from the godly play at the heart of the Trinity.’ (John Pritchard – The life and Work of a Priest SPCK 2007)
Months ago I was asked to write an article for ‘Thresholds’ the quarterly magazine/ journal of the ASPCC a branch of the BACP, I know the topic was something along the lines of the telling of my experiences setting up and running Ffynnon PPD but finding the time, energy and inspiration had been nigh on impossible so it became a bit of an ‘exploration’ that is now awaiting publication. As spare time and energy is still a rare commodity I have decided to take some bits and pieces from that article to update my personal reflections:
‘We Are All Alone In This Together’: From Brighton to Bangor is y Coed. Reflections on a therapists experiences whilst setting up a personal and professional development enterprise on the North Wales border.
Setting up a ‘personal and professional development enterprise for counsellors, therapists, pastoral workers and care professionals’ is really hard work, (even saying the title causes me severe breathlessness), it takes up most of my time and a lot of my energy, it is certainly not for the faint hearted.
There are a number of interconnected reasons as to why we moved from our home in Brighton to the North Wales border to set up Ffynnon. One reason that is particularly fresh in my mind and on my heart at present that first requires acknowledgement was the need and my desire to support my Mother and my Father who live and lived nearby in Shropshire. Towards the end of 2007 my Father had been diagnosed with prostate cancer, he died just over four weeks ago.
His influence on my life had in many ways indirectly provoked and stimulated my involvement in and with the world of counselling and therapy and certainly the past year, engaging in a process of accompanying my Father to his death has had a most, perhaps the most profound impact on my adult life and some of the underlying principles and beliefs that I have relating to the spiritual, the human and the divine nature of faithful companionship, (the friend, the lover, the brother, the therapist the pastor, the priest and so on), and of the hope beyond, what is and what has been.
In many ways this experience cannot be separated out from the gift of new life experienced with the birth in June last year of my utterly delightful daughter Maybelle. Birth and death, beginnings and ends, becoming a Father and the loss of a Father, leaving our first home together for my wife Susie and I to start a long dreamed of new venture; all so unique and different and yet so very present and vibrant; participative, authentic, all very much in the moment experiencing infused with a narrative of ancient encounters of body, mind and spirit.
The morning following my Father’s death I sat down and wrote what I later titled ‘The Unspoken Eulogy of a Second Son’, I will now share a much shortened and edited version of this deeply personal piece.
On the Friday my Father, my Mother, a few members of the family and I were able to share the Blessed Sacrament together facilitated by a friend of my Fathers the Reverend John Vernon. Following this precious and intimate gathering my Father speedily moved ‘further up and further in’ and I was alone with him when he died a half hour or so later.
Over the years, and more particularly in recent times, I have felt strangely challenged when someone has been telling me about their knowing of my Father. Their descriptions, perceptions and encounters of and with him have often sounded very different to mine, perhaps alien to the son of a man whose life was spent in the faithful service of many others. The precious times that we had together were too few and were often infused with the intensity of two passionate human beings that loved each other, enjoyed happy times together, but were not necessarily always singing from the same song sheet.
Something that I have believed in and championed for many years is the unique and special nature of the individual and of a person’s experience. With this in mind I have come to see that each one of us has had a unique and special relationship with my Father, a relationship that is not of my knowing, is of the greatest value, and rightly so, is in the main a mystery to me. Another aspect of this realisation, (whether I/we like it or not), is that we are also somehow mysteriously connected, in this case through a common link with a remarkable man.
My own journey and struggle to live at relational depth with my Father has left me with a profound experience of the true nature of what it can mean to dare to embrace our humanity whilst experiencing the Divine within and without, the knowledge that God loves us despite our human failings and in our human failings and that perhaps it is just possible that we can the same. At the end of it all it is all in the loving, and as Julian of Norwich repeatedly tells us “All shall be well; and all shall be well; and all manner of thing shall be well”.
.......something that I do know now is that the experience of loving reconciliation shared, and the mutual respect that I experienced with my Father as a result of our honest exchanges was at the last well worth the risks involved. It is good to fully experience such depth of loving without interruption and the depth of grief that goes with that is terribly lonely but it just has to be.
A hope that I have is that we may we treasure and share in the corporate memories, love, respect and regard that we have for my Father and that we may also tread lightly and without intrusion in the realms of the deeply personal that was once shared between two people and the grief and loneliness that this brings to the individual that is left behind.
18th April 2008
My Father’s funeral was attended by many many people, his parish Church was full. It was a solemn and exalting occasion.
There is so much more that could be written about this time however I will recount just one more incident. Following the service we had a private family internment, the family stood at the graveside and the sun came out of a blackened sky, my Mother, my brothers, my sister and I each cast a handful of earth onto the my Fathers coffin. As I stepped to the grave and threw the soil down I spontaneously and firmly whispered, ‘See you later Dad.’
There are a few things that as a Christian I realise I have believed as if, gone along with as it were, things I really couldn’t or can’t quite get my head around, kind of do but kind of don’t really know. The concept of a life after death has been one. Ever since that incident at the graveside I have been amazed and reassured by a mysteriously real understanding, belief and knowledge of that very thing, I will see my Father again and that there is a heaven up, out or in there. From a very human or perhaps a therapists perspective I am reassured of this too because I am still so very sad and I miss my Father for sure confirming to me that this experience is no complex coping strategy. I am grieving and yet I am free to look forward with hope within the limitations of the here and now. My Father is no longer here on earth, however he is around and I will be with him again somewhere.
The link between my own personal experiences and endeavours and my passion for the development of the whole person, including relational depth in connection with self and others has to be apparent, I couldn’t do this work if that were not so. Transparency, authenticity and accountability as people needs to be uppermost in my life and in my work and this is where the PPD bit comes in, for people that are therapists and care workers it is more than clear that authentic personal and professional development is essential.
I suppose I have been looking for a way to bring all my understandings, experience and training together for years. A project where my zealous enthusiasm for the best possible counselling and care services for those in need, a venture where my passion for engaging, challenging and high quality personal and professional development for people working in these areas, an endeavour where my deep desire for community and connection and a place where my Christian faith and belief in the Church and its relevance today and every day can breathe, find direction and be realised.
I also know that some of the motivation behind my work at Ffynnon is born out of a lack of experiencing so much of the above for me for long periods in my life and this is further highlighted by the great benefits experienced when I have encountered them. Added to this I have had personal encounters with people in many of these professions that have horrified and sometimes harmed me. If I can do my bit to educate and inform those people who are engaging with seekers and searchers and are working with vulnerable people then I will attempt to do more than just a bit, and perhaps it is apparent in the story about my Father that for me this has to begin at home.
Our move to North Wales has heralded wonderful, challenging and demanding new beginnings, intensely profound endings and has been a move, a repositioning that has brought the past, present and future together and I feel almost ready to move on to the next instalment.
I finish by saying this. At this time, throughout this part of my story there have been two remarkable women at the centre of it all, Mothers, faithful companions, wives and sweethearts. One continues to strengthen and honour me and the other, my Mother is at this time in need of great comfort and companionship.
Excerpts from article to be published in BACP Thresholds Magazine July 2009
-----------------------------------------------------------
November 2008
For the past six months I have become increasingly aware that the space and opportunities to exercise my creativity in the ways that I find satisfying and productive have been few and far between. I have not painted and I do not work as a therapist. This is not to say that my time has been wasted or that my busy life's endeavours are of no value, it’s just that these expressions of my creative nature need to be exercised.
Launching a new venture (Ffynnon PPD), engaging in a deep and loving relationship as a father and delighting in my daughter Maybelle's development whilst being greatly involved in my fathers care (he has cancer and has just had a complicated hip replacement) have required all the resources that I have had available to me.
As I sat down to write this I had two thoughts running through my mind, thoughts that I have been mulling over for the past few days. One is an image of a crescent and the moon, the whole of the moon. The other is the phrase, there is no such thing as a free lunch. Both seem to relate not only recent experiences and their present impact, they are also deeply connected to my past and relate to my valuing of self and to my experience of the ways I am valued by others.
This process is complex and in the main is of a private nature however I am going to attempt to describe some of my thoughts here. Perhaps you as the reader, a person likely to lean naturally towards creative self expression (I make this assumption as you are looking at this website), may find my considerations stimulating, who knows?
As I have said there are straight forward and understandable reasons for my not doing the things that I am perhaps best at, enjoy most and get the most natural satisfaction from. Added to this is the sad reality that paid employment as an artist or as a therapist is extremely hard to come by. I have been fortunate enough to have found work in these fields but this has not been easy. This struggle coupled with the general cultural attitude that still views these professions as a hobby and as voluntary has been difficult at times and to hold on to a personal sense of value as a professional in both fields has proved the same. Some would say that vocational and admirable as these professions are, they are hardly vital to the global economy. My response to the economical angle is that I strongly disagree however to expand upon that would take a long time therefore I leave this to your own imagination and process.
I would say that most liking in everyday life is conditional. My own life experiences of conditional valuing, for example all the times that I have known other people's perceptions of me to be perhaps good, interesting, difficult or just plain bad, have not encouraged me to be fully myself. To put it another way I have not been encouraged to be fully present in this world!
The image of the crescent and the moon quite obviously relates to these experiences, people have seen the crescent and not the whole of the moon (maybe the whole is too challenging or even threatening?). It is not an easy thing, and can be an uncomfortable experience for many to be accepting of, attentive to and respectful of a person’s reality, the way it is for them, but for me this is an essential element in any healthy relationship. None the less, these are the qualities that I aspire to and the qualities that I seek out when looking for friendship, fellowship and companionship.
So where do I go with this? I guess what works for me when I can truly get my head and my heart around it is this: Self acceptance; a cherishing of self, all of me, that brings communion with self, God and others is at the heart of relational depth and relational depth has thankfully become something that I have begun to experience in recent times. I see such cherishing as an essential and necessary challenge that has the potential for profound and life changing possibilities and the outworking of this is a soft heart and a robust nature that can truly cherish others.
A second and vital part of this for me is about being in relationship with others (another) who also cherish and accept me, all of me, the whole of the moon as it were! To be known firstly by self and secondly by others, as grounded, sound, authentic, loving and of the deepest value, are some of the qualities of being in a constant process of self acceptance, growth and learning, and being engaged in an actualising process (see Person Centred Counselling in Action, Mearns and Thorne 2007 page 24).
In essence I want and need to be truly loved just as I am.
This all sounds like rather a tall order but I am going to keep working at it!
As I have said I am neither working as an artist nor a therapist at the moment in fact a lot of the time I feel like an overstretched administrator! This brings me to the phrase, ‘there's no such thing as a free lunch’. Its one of those phrases I have heard loads of times but never really considered what it meant. It actually has quite a history which I am not going to go into now but if you are interested you can look it up on www.phrases.org.uk. On this website it says the phrase originated in American saloons that offered free lunches to attract customers to buy drinks at their premises, in other words the lunch was paid for from the takings at the bar.
Our new venture Ffynnon PPD recently had its first conference and we stretched ourselves to the limit to ensure that the event was as affordable and accessible to as many people as possible without making a terrible loss, we also had to cancel the lunch due to so many late bookings. So no free lunch and no false advertising! I have found it increasingly difficult to respond to requests for concessionary rates on such low priced and high quality events; I have taken it quite personally and have felt increasingly undervalued by the care professions. I suppose my take on this phrase has to be, I know that there is no such thing as a free conference, we have to pay for it.
Don't get me wrong, as I have already mentioned I am aware of the vocational nature of the counselling and care professions and the financial limitations that often come with these jobs. I also have my own experiences of having to find funds to attend personal and professional development events and sometimes have not been able to afford some that I would have wanted to attend, but I have never bargained over the price of a booking.
This is a very personal response to a number of petitions at a time when Ffynnon is newborn and is in some ways quite vulnerable and I want to protect and nurture a vision that I believe to be of great value. These requests are perhaps understandable when taken from an individual’s perspective however the bigger picture has to be considered and this involves supporting a truly low cost, high quality service.
With all of this in mind I have to value what I am doing and why I am doing it, I also need to fully engage with the heartfelt encouragement and the wealth of positive feedback that we have received from individuals and organisations alike. I also include in this the wholehearted support and interest reflected in the commitments made by the highest calibre of speakers offering conferences and seminars in our programme.
And so I will press on, and the way I do this creatively is to focus on the vision I have for the future of Ffynnon and believe that at least in part some of this vision will be realised. I will share a few bits of my writing that relate to Ffynnon's vision.
Ffynnon PPD wants to offer and develop high quality, independent and thought provoking conferences, seminars, workshops and groups that supplement and nourish the care professional’s personal and professional life.
As an organisation we believe that by offering this high quality service to the workers on the 'coal face', we are providing essential opportunities for training and vital space for development in the hope that this will have a positive influence on those people who really matter, their clients.
We want Ffynnon to be a place where seekers and searchers find space.
We want to draw people across the boundaries of beliefs and faiths, denominations and spiritual paths, in other words we will welcome all people of goodwill.
We want to create a place that reverberates with the sounds of expression and resonates with the hum of silence; a spiritual oasis, a space of quiet in the midst of restlessness, a place to shout and be heard, somewhere to take stock and take a breath.
In essence we want to offer simple hospitality and a thoughtful programme or merely freedom, safety and attentive conversation; we believe that companionship grows when we embrace solitude and that excitement and adventure can be found in our own imaginations when we are given the space to explore our own creative nature.
I may not be painting just now but I haven't stopped dreaming!
For information about Ffynnon visit www.ffynnonppd.co.uk
NB. Some positive news regarding my painting is that a private gallery has taken some of my work to sell in their Christmas exhibition and wants to show a collection of my paintings in the summer. It is a good job I have the inclination to paint again and will endeavour to make the time to do so.
------------------------------------------------------------
8th July 2008-07-08
My daughter Maybelle was born on the 26th June. Her arrival unintentionally precedes the completion of my latest painting ‘The Quickening’ inspired by her at approximately twelve weeks old. She is an absolute delight and brings fresh challenges to my life one of which is a new perspective on the unfinished canvas (as she wriggles around here whilst I try to write I do wonder if I will ever get any work done again!).
The other day I light-heartedly said that I may write a piece entitled ‘The Interpersonal World of the Developing Infant’ stimulated by my brief time with my latest companion. This led me on to consider my own internal interpersonal world and how different aspects of self inter relate and co-exist.
I think of my creativity and particularly my artwork and the need to be attentive to that part of me even if I am not putting brush on canvas. Over the years I have had many long breaks away from painting and drawing most often as a result of a busy life however these times have also been infused with a lack of confidence preceded by a period of self doubt. I must take note of this and perhaps listen to the words of Van Gogh written in a letter to his brother Theo:
“You don't know how paralysing that is, that stare of a blank canvas, which says to the painter: you can't do a thing." ... "Many painters are afraid in front of the blank canvas, but the blank canvas is afraid of the real, passionate painter who dares and who has broken the spell of 'you can't' once and for all."
Our plans for setting up a personal and professional development centre continue to progress at a slower pace than we would like, hampered by credit crunches and perhaps a lack of interest in the world of psychotherapy and care within the realms of finance and the power that it can wield.
We have named for the project Ffynnon this means ‘well’, ‘spring’ and ‘fountain’ in welsh. We are hosting three conferences towards the end of the year and I add our latest information sheet about Ffynnon and a personal statement for your interest.
Thanks for taking time to visit my website, I hope there will be some new paintings to view in the not too distant future.
Jonathan.
Ffynnon is a small business enterprise aimed at providing accessible personal and professional development and retreat to counsellors, therapists and people in the caring professions.
Ffynnon conferences aim to bring up to date contributions from well established practitioners, seasoned scholars and speakers from a variety of professional backgrounds. Topics from a wide range of expertise in theory and practice and relevant to the concerns of professionals will be presented provoking reflection and challenge in the hope that this will bring vitality to the interpersonal world of the developing person.
Ffynnon also has plans in place to create a residential centre on the Welsh borders, a more intimate setting for in depth personal and professional development, retreat and respite. We are in the process of raising funds for this venture and hope to open in 2009.
The vision for Ffynnon is underpinned by the ethos of the person centred approach and our own personal experience of, and belief in Christian spirituality. Ffynnon will provide a safe and comfortable space with a climate of realness, genuineness, acceptance, empathy and of sensitive and accepting understanding; a place without prejudice or premature judgement.
Ffynnon’s goal is to offer the best possible environment for individuals and groups to constructively accomplish the full potential of their time at a conference and at the centre and to have an open, empowering and genuine experience; a time of individual fulfilment and group identity.
Ffynnon wants to contribute to the quality of counselling and care in Wales and the UK in the hope that this will increase the public’s confidence in those services.
As an organisation Ffynnon wants to contribute to the development of a well educated, skilled and healthier population raising standards of living and bringing health and well being to people and their communities.
Ffynnon aims to provide services that are both accessible and affordable.
Jonathan & Susie Skipper
The ideas and vision for Ffynnon became a reality in 2007 when Jonathan and Susie Skipper began drawing up the plans and creating the structures for the conferences and for the residential centre.
Jonathan Skipper has a Masters degree in Counselling Studies, and is a qualified and experienced counsellor, group facilitator and trainer,he is also a professional artist and worked as the Honarary Art Therapist at University London College Hospital on the palliative care unit.
Jonathan sees Ffynnon as an exciting, long dreamed of project where he can stretch and develop new ideas and skills, both personally and professionally whilst offering a unique resource and contribution to the development of others.
Susie Skipper has an Honours Degree in Behavioural Sciences and has a wealth of experience in management and organisation. She feels proud to be involved in a project which offers such valuable resources to professionals, individuals and communities alike.
Susie is on maternity leave until January 2009.
To find out more about Jonathan you can read his ‘personal reflections’ on www.skipperart.co.uk
------------------------------------------------------------
PERSONAL STATEMENT 20/06/2008 – JONATHAN SKIPPER
I have done many things in my life and have lived in various parts of the country, most recently I moved to Bangor is-y-coed in North Wales from Brighton on the south coast where my wife Susie, my dog Archie and I enjoyed the busy and colourful city, walks on the beach and in the local countryside and of course growing in relationship together (a basset hound is quite a unique companion!).
In April we moved back to my childhood homeland of the Shropshire/ Welsh borders to settle in the countryside, bring up our first-born and to set up Ffynnon, a centre for personal and professional development groups, retreat and respite and to host conferences in Wales and the border counties.
I am a professional artist, a qualified and experienced counsellor and trainer with a Masters Degree in counselling studies, and Person Centred Art Therapy has played a major part in my work. For the past five years I have not worked as a counsellor choosing to focus on my painting, the completion of my Masters Degree and on my own personal development.
Now I want to invest my experience and energy into the training, education, encouragement and support of the people working on the frontline of the counselling, caring and therapy professions. This goal is now being realised as Ffynnon becomes active.
For many years I have been exploring the following aspects of my personal and professional life and hope that they will become integral elements of my future endeavours with Ffynnon: Creativity, Communication, Community and Spirituality. It is my belief that all of these are integral parts of the individual and of all relationships.
CREATIVITY
Creativity within society seems in the main to reflect a culture of consumerism, individualism and perfection I would suggest this has widespread influence on humanity. I am fascinated by the whole concept of creativity and particularly creativity within the therapeutic process. Creativity deeply relates to our primary resources and impulses to bring into existence, to grow and evolve. Carl Rogers writes in his book 'On becoming a Person',
“The mainspring of creativity appears to be the same tendency which we discover so deeply as the curative force in psychotherapy- man's tendency to actualise himself, to become his potentialities.”
(Rogers 1967)
Creative expression seems to facilitate an integration of internal and external realities; reconciliation and healing. I believe that as a person I need to creatively relate to myself and to others. My desire to live out the core conditions * in an integrated and inseparable way with confidence and competence is a constant challenge to me.
A sure sign of a person who is living and relating at this depth is someone who is often unaware of these qualities in action. I suppose in my case I have to be content in the knowledge that somehow I become aware that this 'unaware competence' has been going on from time to time and my desire has been rewarded. This is indeed a complex concept but perhaps once mastered it is a way of being and relating that offers clarity and simplicity to some of the most puzzling and testing of situations.
A few years ago I worked at a London hospital as the honorary art therapist. My primary role was to engage in a therapeutic process with patients in palliative care. These young people and adults were undergoing very aggressive and invasive treatment following a life threatening diagnosis and as a result were often in shock at this diagnosis and from physical pain as their body reacted to the disease and to aggressive medical treatment.
Art therapy was one way for them to connect with that which was often held deep inside, words were often impotent in expressing this inner turmoil, whereas the created image would often bring these painful thoughts and feelings into the light of day giving an opportunity for acknowledgement, discussion and processing when so desired.
These times were a privilege and are precious memories to me. Sometimes it was as if time stood still and the full richness of a life was there in one moment, transcending the limitations of this physical world and its harsh realities. The true created nature of a person was fully present and at one.
COMMUNICATION
Communication is far broader than the written and spoken word and yet it so often seems league tabled with words at the top and other forms of communication somewhere on a scale below. Don't get me wrong I delight in a good conversation, a well read story or a challenging piece of writing, I value them highly. However ranking communication with these conditions of worth only serves to limit language, to control and under-nourish the unique individual and as a result community and society.
We all communicate in our own special way when truly encouraged to do so, I offer up a challenge to myself and to others to listen attentively, to learn other people's creative language so that relationships may develop where all can know they are deeply understood.
In the latest edition of 'Person-Centred counselling In Action', Mearns and Thorne describe a situation that reiterates my challenge, they write:
“If the counsellor was working with a client from a different culture and with a different language she would be particularly patient, tolerant and concerned to discover the meaning of his language. She would be wary of forming early judgements because she would know that those judgements might simply be based on her lack of understanding of his language and culture. For the counsellor who is trying to develop her attitude of unconditional positive regard it can be helpful to make the same kind of assumption about all her clients. She might start by assuming that each new client has his own personal language that he will use to express himself. The counsellor’s task, principally through empathy, is to uncover and understand that language.”
(Mearns & Thorne 2007)
COMMUNITY
'Community' is a subject I have often heard in conversation in recent years, a subject I have little real experience of. I hear about community that is desired, community that does not exist or is perhaps in a post-modern process of becoming.
My own thoughts and feelings regarding the ideal of community are about companionship, participation and sharing in humanity. This ideal would require relationships that exist as transparent, respectful and caring, taking into account one's own needs within the context of others needs. I suspect a community that strives towards or exists within these conditions would have the capacity to process conflict and difference whilst appreciating common goals and beliefs. I believe that this kind community would have a climate that was without prejudice or premature judgement.
A particular area I have chosen to work with both personally and professionally is trauma caused by abuse and neglect. I am often struck by the isolation experienced by many of the people who have suffered in this way; existing in isolation alone or in company, perhaps going to an isolated therapy session or group only to return to isolation. My hope is that a community would, at least in part provide and explore ways of offering an environment that was genuine and true, a place of sensitive accepting and understanding to these remarkable individuals.
I believe that the goal of a community is to offer the best possible environment for individuals and groups to constructively accomplish their full potential and to have empowering and genuine experiences of day to day life, times of individual fulfilment and corporate identity.
SPIRITUALITY
Spirituality is of the deepest and most personal importance to me. I am a person who holds within himself Christian values and beliefs that have grown out of an experience and encounter that I had in 1987. My experience of encountering the living Christ at my deepest and darkest time of need saved my life. This most profound and divine meeting was an experience of total acceptance and overwhelming empathy and I knew that I was known and loved by God within and without.
This was an experience that still holds its mystery and yet in essence was life transforming and it has left me in little doubt that there is a loving force that maintains and nourishes the universe despite the evidence to the contrary that we witness and hear about day by day.
Experiencing such a relationship informs my response to others. I am willing and able to enter another's world and to see things from their perspective whilst not losing my own sense of self. This for me is what living at depth of companionship is all about. Not wanting to intrude or influence, only to express my genuine interest in the individual and to endeavour to spend time with them on their journey when invited.
The spiritual dimension of every human being is I believe the creative source of energy that illuminates the way forward. To offer time and space, where someone may discover that source, and to find that this source truly dwells within them is a rich, rewarding and challenging responsibility.
Finally I will say that all of these reflections are very much in process, sometimes on a conscious level and sometimes not. I have made an attempt to put into words what goes on inside a man whom some have described as friendly, approachable, engaging, charming, and robust and clear despite his most human weaknesses and unique annoyances!